Goodbye Mama

My mother just passed away. I hadn't spoken directly to her in probably 15 years, though occasional mails passed or flowers were sent when my sisters let me know she was ill.

Our relationship was not the usual, I think. She didn't want me. In fact, in my 30s, after some counseling, I realized she never really liked me. I mentioned that to a dear friend, who lived across from us growing up. Her response: "We knew that. We all knew she hated you, that's why we had you over as often as we could."

Oblivious to that, with the love and devotion only a child could have, I tried for many years to be what pleased my mother. Some brief memories show what I was up against.


"Can I join Brownies?" "No, we can't afford it." [Old sib did campfire, younger did boy scouts.]
"Will you teach me to crochet?"  "No, you're too stupid."
"Here's my report card, all A's." "It's so easy for you. Your sister's B's mean more because she works so much harder for them."
"I'm engaged." "Thank God! I thought you'd be an old maid forever."

Mom was unhappy in her marriage. When I was two, she left dad, taking me and my half-sister. She left sis with her father's mother, and me with her own mother, then went to a city 5 hours away to live with her brother and wait tables in a soda shop. Dad got me back, told her if she wanted to see me again, she'd get home. She did, after several months.

After that, I always heard, "We stayed together for the sake of the children." Rather lame as they had two more after me.

So.. Mom is gone and I'm trying to think in what way to honor her.

1. You gave me birth. Thank you for that, because I like my life. [I'll ignore the fact that you blamed the birth for a reduction in breast size.]
2. From an early age, you taught me independence. I learned to keep to myself, to enterain myself. [Never mess with #1 child cause you lose, and don't disturb mother.]
3. You taught me a love of reading. [You were always reading, from morning to night.]
4. You taught me to accept that life won't always be fair. [Despite hating me, you often tried to be fair.]
5. You taught me that a person should value what others give them.
6. You taught me that there are no guarantees in life.
7. You taught me courage in the face of fears.
8.  You taught me that nothing is as precious as a Mother's love.

For all you taught me, Mother, thank you. For all the pain, for all the grief, for all the joy and the sweetness of life, I thank you. While this missive is bitter at times, and sweet at others, I know that no matter what I can do, I can never repay you for the months that you carried me in your body, sharing your life with me.

Thank you, Mama, and may your true beliefs grant you a spot in paradise.